Up and down the country couples everywhere are having the same fight, women are stressed, premenstrual and crying over Holby City and their boyfriends keep asking them what's wrong. Big Mistake.
"He just kept asking and asking, what's wrong Amy, what's wrong?" My close friend Amy gesticulates wildly with her wine glass, slopping Pinot over a passing waiter. Whilst the other three of us at the table nod our heads. "So, I lost it and screamed "Nothing" at him before slamming the door in his face."
After we'd continued to probe Amy for information about what was actually wrong with her she admitted that it was actually nothing at all she just wanted some time alone. At the same time somewhere in a pub across town Amy's boyfriend Josh was probably explaining this exchange to his mates over another pint before all coming to the conclusion that women are crazy.
In a way, men have a point. We are a little bit mad but women prefer to use the word 'mysterious.' When we're grumpy or upset or say huffily (without meeting your eyes, just so you know we're really not in the mood) "Nothing's wrong", usually whilst doing some menial task such as washing up. It only means one of either of two things:
1. There isn't anything that seriously wrong, we are just either tired, stressed out or want to be alone with a One Tree Hill boxset.
2. You've done something wrong.
To all the guys reading this that have just sighed at number two and said, "It's always our fault" think about it for a second, is there anything you could have possibly done? Something teeny tiny, did you criticise something? (women can't stand that.) Forget to do something? Because thats all it takes to tip us over the hormonal threshold. Yes, we are just that fickle. But whatever you do DO NOT start asking us about numerous different things that you could have done wrong, that's only going to serve to remind us of all the things you have/haven't done and piss us off more. It is up to all the boyfriends up and down the country to handle this situation with careful precision.
In 21st century relationships sexist comments such as, "Is it that time of the month?" aren't heard that often anymore, mainly because men are more afraid that they won't get sex for the next month if they do. Yet, in reality, sometimes, that is just what is wrong with us. In a recent study scientists found that women's hormone levels are highest during the seven days before their period, which makes us more emotional and more irrational, sorry girls but it's true. However, on the up-side ladies it has now been scientifically proven that we are more driven to shop during the third week of our cycle so, when your boyfriend's eyes pop out on stalks as you return home from work with yet another Topshop bag you can blame it on those hormones, damn things, hehe.
"So, what happened?" I ask Amy, after apologising to the waiter and topping up her glass. "I stayed in our room for an hour and when I came out he'd bought an extra-large bag of Maltesers and put Grey's Anatomy on." A universal sigh of "Aawwwwwww" goes up around the table.
Boys, if you skimmed over that paragraph read it again! It's important! Amy just gave you the key to never having the "Nothing's wrong" row ever again! One.Simple. Act of kindness. We know we've been irritating and irrational otherwise we wouldn't lock ourselves away on our own after shouting at you but run us a bubble bath, buy us chocolate or give us a cuddle and we'll be apologising for being a bitch to you in no time. We're not crazy, we're easy to please. Honestly.
And what we hadn't gotten round to telling you is that in that Topshop bag you rolled your eyes at earlier is actually a black lace camisole and you might have just won yourself a ticket to a private showing.
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