Monday 28 June 2010

The Break-Up Blog.

Unfortunately it's a sad fact of young, single girl life that we're all painfully and enevitably going to get dumped at one point. Now, I'm not suggesting that this little gem of information be used when you're crying into your pillow and snotting everywhere but after a few days of tears, Ben and Jerry's and the ritual 'Boyfriend Bonfire' of the cards and pictures of you together a little light appears at the end of the break up express tunnel and you gradually realise that just maybe...he wasn't quite right anyway.

If you're not quite there yet you are probably trapped in one of these three stages;

  1. Uncontrollable and equally unattractive crying. Normally occuring just after the break up has taken place and the subsequent days afterwards, everytime anyone is nice to you, brings you a present or, God help them, gives you a hug.
  2. Numbness. After the crying has momentarily stopped and the hurt has been replaced by mute numbness as you watch re-runs of Sex and the City into the night comapring your relationship with your ex to whatever is going on between Carrie and Big/Adian (depending on which episode you have picked to weep to.)
  3. The What-is-wrong-with-me/I'm-never-going-to-meet-someone-else-ever-again stage. Normally, by this point you've stopped crying and justifying your break up the Carrie Bradshaw way e.g. talked it to death and then gone and bought shoes. And you are using it as an excuse to get out of doing the washing up, hoovering and putting any effort in at work except to go to Greggs for chocolate eclairs. It is also at this point you consider yourself in 10 years time, living in a granny annex off of your parents house with 12 cats you call your "Babies".
Now, by stage four you should be feeling somewhat back to your normal self, however I must point out that the duration of the previous three stages depends entirely upon how long you were in your relationship. Obviously, for you girlies that were blissfully in love with your guy it's going to take considerably longer and I would reccomend adding a bottle of wine along with the Ben and Jerry's (not that I'm condoning drunkeness...actually...in this case I am!) and for you girls that were happily on the path to falling in love, like me, but weren't quite there yet well...oh, to hell with it, have a bottle of wine too! I reccomend Rose!

But, by far the most important thing ladies, to get over the pain quickly and slightly less painfully, you (or a friend) need to perform some effective damage control. Get rid of any pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy, burn letters he wrote, cards he sent, for God's sake delete him from Facebook and/or Twitter (torturing yourself by constantly checking his "status" and any new photos to only be devastated when a gorgeous brunette pops up in them, who is probably his cousin anyway is NOT healthy!) and get rid of his phone number, sad, drunk texting/calling at 4am is not going to get him back or you over it.

So, for goodness sake girls, it's Summer, get that maxy dress on, get down to the beach and get checking out hot guys in aviators...they're everywhere...I've noticed hehe!

xoxo

The Nothing Argument

Up and down the country couples everywhere are having the same fight, women are stressed, premenstrual and crying over Holby City and their boyfriends keep asking them what's wrong. Big Mistake.
"He just kept asking and asking, what's wrong Amy, what's wrong?" My close friend Amy gesticulates wildly with her wine glass, slopping Pinot over a passing waiter. Whilst the other three of us at the table nod our heads. "So, I lost it and screamed "Nothing" at him before slamming the door in his face."
After we'd continued to probe Amy for information about what was actually wrong with her she admitted that it was actually nothing at all she just wanted some time alone. At the same time somewhere in a pub across town Amy's boyfriend Josh was probably explaining this exchange to his mates over another pint before all coming to the conclusion that women are crazy.
In a way, men have a point. We are a little bit mad but women prefer to use the word 'mysterious.' When we're grumpy or upset or say huffily (without meeting your eyes, just so you know we're really not in the mood) "Nothing's wrong", usually whilst doing some menial task such as washing up. It only means one of either of two things:
1. There isn't anything that seriously wrong, we are just either tired, stressed out or want to be alone with a One Tree Hill boxset.
2. You've done something wrong.
To all the guys reading this that have just sighed at number two and said, "It's always our fault" think about it for a second, is there anything you could have possibly done? Something teeny tiny, did you criticise something? (women can't stand that.) Forget to do something? Because thats all it takes to tip us over the hormonal threshold. Yes, we are just that fickle. But whatever you do DO NOT start asking us about numerous different things that you could have done wrong, that's only going to serve to remind us of all the things you have/haven't done and piss us off more. It is up to all the boyfriends up and down the country to handle this situation with careful precision.
In 21st century relationships sexist comments such as, "Is it that time of the month?" aren't heard that often anymore, mainly because men are more afraid that they won't get sex for the next month if they do. Yet, in reality, sometimes, that is just what is wrong with us. In a recent study scientists found that women's hormone levels are highest during the seven days before their period, which makes us more emotional and more irrational, sorry girls but it's true. However, on the up-side ladies it has now been scientifically proven that we are more driven to shop during the third week of our cycle so, when your boyfriend's eyes pop out on stalks as you return home from work with yet another Topshop bag you can blame it on those hormones, damn things, hehe.
"So, what happened?" I ask Amy, after apologising to the waiter and topping up her glass. "I stayed in our room for an hour and when I came out he'd bought an extra-large bag of Maltesers and put Grey's Anatomy on." A universal sigh of "Aawwwwwww" goes up around the table.
Boys, if you skimmed over that paragraph read it again! It's important! Amy just gave you the key to never having the "Nothing's wrong" row ever again! One.Simple. Act of kindness. We know we've been irritating and irrational otherwise we wouldn't lock ourselves away on our own after shouting at you but run us a bubble bath, buy us chocolate or give us a cuddle and we'll be apologising for being a bitch to you in no time. We're not crazy, we're easy to please. Honestly.
And what we hadn't gotten round to telling you is that in that Topshop bag you rolled your eyes at earlier is actually a black lace camisole and you might have just won yourself a ticket to a private showing.

Good Guy vs. Bad Boy

Good Guy vs. Bad Boy

"Women love a bad boy and when you have a bad boy who can dance, it slays them."
A quote by choreographer Brian Friedman on the late Patrick Swayze's role of Johnny Castle in 'Dirty Dancing'. Adored by millions of girls around the world and regarded as the ultimate chick flick, from the moment Swayze walks into the main hotel during that first scene, in that tight white t-shirt and those black shades women let out a collective sigh and boyfriends and husbands shake their heads. But, what they never do is hang around to find out exactly why that character has that effect on women.
To all the guys that have ever complained, "Women want a bad boy and then moan when they get treated badly," it's really very simple. What woman really want is the nice guy, with a bit of bad thrown in for good measure! Nice guys moan that they never get the girl, for instance Dylan, an old school friend who's Mum made the best fairy cakes I've ever tasted, slurred after a few too many buy-one-get-one-free drinks in the pub one weekend that he was the flowers and hearts guy, who had never even thought about cheating once in his life yet he was single. Whereas, his close friend Jay, who's in the Navy girls, has never stuck to one woman for more than six weeks yet has women lusting over him in every part of the country, what was up with that?
Unfortunately for Dylan he had answered his own question in that very sentence. Jay's in the Navy and for any woman who's ever seen 'An Officer and a Gentleman' with his boyish grin and naval physique it's no wonder Jay has a different woman every few weeks. It's a sad tale boys but sometimes we just want to be treated like they are in the movies, teach us how to gyrate like Johnny, show off your flying skills e.g, Maverick in 'Topgun', indulge our fantasies a little bit, we know it's not real life but just indulge us once in a while and, believe me, we'll thank you.
However, if you can't dance and don't have a plane handy do not despair boys because...(and I'm letting you in on a major secret here!)...girls don't want a bad boy, they want a good guy who has a secret bad boy streak.
The infamous sex scene between Johnny and Baby is sexy for entirely different reasons to a woman than to a guy, to you boys it may just be a half-naked girl and guy getting it on but to us girls he's a bad boy being gentle AND sexy, he undresses her with such care and sensuality that that is the exact reason why we love it! But that sexual attraction is heightened by the fact that a man could be so gentle yet ready to throw a punch to protect your honour if needed.
"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" might work in some situations but there's only so much being treated "mean" a girl can take and ,essentially, unless you're a good guy who can masquerade as a bad boy when the time is right e.g. slide your arms around us at the kitchen sink after dinner and whisper how much you want us...on the table...now! That's all the bad boy we need to make us sigh like we do at Patrick. At the end of all those chick flicks we watch and books we read the bad boy who doesn't call never gets the girl, the nice guy always wins, it's the bad boy passion we crave not the bad boy attitude. And who knows what wicked side that might bring out in us boys.

Girls Lie Too Boys.

Girls Lie Too Boys.

The familiar 'pop' noise from my laptop balanced on my bed not only distracts me from my furious eyebrow plucking, almost taking out my eye, but alerts me that someone is talking to me on Facebook chat. The new way for Men and Women to flirt. Quickly asking me what I'm up to I reply that I've just gotten out of the shower - a total lie! Note to all the guys reading this: When a girl puts that she's just had a shower or is snuggled in bed because she's cold *wink wink*... most of time she's in her comfy-but-crap pyjamas with no make up on, watching Gossip Girl and demolishing a bar of Galaxy Cookie Crumble. Fact. But she'd never tell you that, instead opting for a suggestive comment an a winking emoticon. Just as we saw Sienna Miller sweet-talk Daniel Craig in 'Layer Cake' over the phone, whilst having her wet hair bundled up in a towel on top of her head and clipping her toenails. We'll tell you anything if it gets you thinking about us naked.

After all, we are a nation addicted to flirting. We can't help it. All of the boyfriends that swear to their angry girlfriends that they don't flirt are lying and those girlfriends are playing dumb, any girl with half a brain knows that her boy flirts and that they were doing the same that morning with the office bagel guy.

In a reality were almost 50% of modern marriages end in divorce we're obsessed with monogamy and staying faithful. When recently asking one of my guy friends why he didn't have my number anymore he replied, "Because Stacey doesn't like it." After further questioning he confessed he isn't allowed other girls numbers in his phone so he changes the names to Men's names to avoid argument. I stared at him with my mouth open for several seconds before excusing myself to go to the bar for a rather large Gin top up.

Now, having never met Stacey I'm not going to pass judgement but when asked why he stays with her when he's forced to lie like that he replys, "Because she cares about me. And thats nice." Not, "Because I love her," or "Because she makes me happy." Just, "Because she cares." Swiftly pointing out that I care and everyone else around the table at the pub cares he looks down thoughtfully into his pint and the subject changes to the night before's episode of 'Topgear'.

It's at this moment in time that I feel I should stick up for my fellow women and point out that sometimes we do have a right to cry, scream and generally eat an entire tub of 'Ben n Jerrys', like, for instance after a tearful phone call from my friend Kylie, who has been hopelessly in love with her ex-boyfriend for far too long, to inform me that he's told her he no longer loves her...right after he slept with her, so to be fair boys, sometimes you are horrid to us.

Girlfriends have long been stereotyped as the ones who moan that their boyfriends don't spend enough time with them and don't like it when you go to the pub with the boys instead of watching a dvd with them on a Saturday night. But when my ex-boyfriend informed me that I wasn't spending enough time with him and gave me the silent treatment every time I planned a night out friends I was stunned by the role reversal. He was moody, distant and when I got home would make it clear he wasn't happy, even though we didn't live together. Not to mention the arguments caused by me having guy friends.

Which brings me full circle back to our nations addictive flirting, it's happening everywhere all the time, all around the country. In fact, it's so blatant it's practically classed as 'being polite'. So girls the next time your having a row about the pretty brunette at the station who's bags your boyfriend helped her carry, take a second to remember the guy with the gorgeous smile who helped you unblock the paper jam in the printer at work that morning...maybe then you can save yourself an argument and...have sex with the man you love instead.