"Sexting. Meeting. Kissing. Shagging." I announced, no doubt sloshing Pinot over the rim of my wine glass.
"Kissing. Sleeping with." Emma stated.
"Having an emotional connection with." Gemma said.
"Facebook." Izzy piped up with.
Immediately about to ask Izzy what the hell she was going on about as we discussed what we each constituted as cheating, I stopped to consider the fact that over the past four days I'd had several "pokes" on Facebook from an ex that had been more of a brief kiss-and-run than an actual boyfriend but who currently had a girlfriend of his own. Unsurprisingly I managed to resist the urge to "poke" him back but when I later received a private inbox message asking me how I was (flirty winking face attached) I briefly considered replying with "Im great thank you, why don't you ask your girlfriend how she is?" before swallowing the comment down, hitting the delete button and sending the message off into internet oblivion.
After that little blast from the past and thinking about how many women I know have had a sneaky look through their boyfriend's text message inbox I wondered whether the new wave of social networking, fueled by the ease of checking Facebook and Twitter constantly through Iphones and Blackberrys' was making it easier for us to cheat?
It may only be a Facebook poke after all but if you're thinking of literally "poking" someone else instead of your girlfriend/boyfriend then that spells trouble ahead.
Note I have made careful use of the words Boyfriend AND Girlfriend because, trying to appeal against stereotypes, lets not forget that men are often the ones chastised for cheating but it's my belief that women are just as bad. We all make mistakes after all.
A point proved when, a few years ago, Jenny* turned up on my doorstep in the night before's clothes, mascara stains down to her chin and definate post-sex hair. Needless to say Jenny had made the mistake of falling back into bed with her ex when she had a new boyfriend, bad Jenny. But, despite her mistake Jenny was, and still is, one of the nicest girls I know and quickly fessed up to her boyfriend, who dumped her, as she deserved (her words not mine!) but by doing it Jenny did realise something, she wasn't ready for another relationship so soon after the ex.
There are plenty of relationships out there that I'm sure have survived 'Cheating Flu' because, simply, sometimes you have to fuck up to realise what you want, like Jenny. I'm not saying this makes cheating right, it's sad and painful but sometimes necessary?
I've been lucky in my relationships to have never been cheated on (at least that I am aware of), nor have I ever cheated myself, mostly because I fear that chances of me being caught are highly likely due to a conscience that won't even allow me to recycle a tin can without rinsing it out first. However, that hasn't stopped me Facebook stalking pretty girls that have written seemingly innocent messages on my ex's Facebook walls. If you're currently exclaiming that you don't do that you're lying and you know it!
And it hasn't stopped me from being the subject of intense questioning by Tom* when an innocent picture of a friend's Brother and I appeared on Facebook, immediately recieving a text from him that read, "That guy in that photo better be gay." I proceeded to sit through a two hour long argument about who he was, why we were out together in a club (No mention from Tom of the other eight people who were also out with us that night and in the photos too) and accusations that the smile on my face in the photo was "too suggestive." Needless to say I almost found myself wishing I had slept with Jack* just so that what I was being accused of was actually true.
I had no problem with him going through my message inbox on my phone because I knew he'd never find anything suspicious simply because there was nothing to find but he seemed to love winding me up just incase I had something to confess.
If I had a pair of Louboutins for everytime I've had a conversation with friends who've "seen" something on Facebook or "heard" something or seen a dodgy looking picture I would have a pair for every day of the month and a pair to sleep in (Please God, let the Facebook conversations keep coming hehe). It must cause arguments every night of the week in homes everywhere but we still insist upon checking it at least once a day.
With technology seemingly making us either paranoid or tempted to send that flirty message are we so caught up in analysing that photo of the office temp draped over our man at the work Christmas party in 2008 that we haven't actually told him we love him lately? It's heartbreaking when people cheat and it hurts like hell for a very long time but stop Facebook stalking and jumping everytime he gets a text, close the laptop lid, wave bye-bye to the paranoia and show each other all the reasons you have to not need anyone else but each other.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Romance loves Drama.
During a recent conversation with someone who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) it was suggested to me that us girls love drama and can't have a relationship without it.
I was about to stick up for my fellow female form and protest that we hate the drama just as much as you guys do but then something stopped me...flashing back into my head came the memory of an ex (we'll call him Tom*) showing up at my door looking tired and wounded after a very long train journey a week after he had stormed out of my flat in a hissy fit and then later text me to say it was over. Tom was sad and sorry and I was intially frosty but when I saw that he had arrived with no clothes or overnight things and was willing to sleep on the floor or get on a train straight back to where he had come from my resolve melted and because I still loved him we worked things out. We broke up a few months later and that's where it ended but the point is Tom made the grand gesture, he turned up at the door in the rain (yes, it was actually raining I didn't make that up for effect) and said he couldn't know that I was right there and that he hadn't tried to apologise and get back together.
Just like the movies and television we watch and the books we read Tom had made the big romantic gesture and I, being the girl that I am (slightly niave), was so blinded by it that I forgot about the drama that had come before it. The shouting, the accusations and the tears, oh, AND the accidental flooding of my bathroom, were all forgotten. Does the big romance really go hand in hand with drama?
It took Carrie moving half way around the world for Big to realise that she was 'The One' before he chased her to Paris and it took Noah building Allie's dream house in 'The Notebook' for them to end up back in each other's lives...and in that steamy sex scene! And it took Tom slamming out of my flat and me not ringing him begging him to take me back for him to realise he'd messed up. I'm not denying that it must have taken some serious balls for him to turn up at my door, particularly considering the savage friends I have, but should it really come down to...'You never realise what you've got until it's gone?"
After that I went through all of the romantic gestures I'd ever had the pleasure of being a part of and over half of them were follow up's to drama, arguments or false accusations, this wasn't the result I'd been hoping for, believe me, but have we become addicted to drama in our relationships because we hope the romance afterward will be good enough to make us forget about the disagreement that caused it?
Deciding to investigate further I turned to my friend Rachel* for answers, Rachel and Mark* have been together for years, gone through school and different universities and are still together (hats off to them!). Asking her about whether Mark makes a big romantic gesture after they've had a fight Rach said, "No, we just tend to shout at each other, stay away from each other for a couple of hours then we'll leave a note on the mirror saying sorry or make the other a cup of tea and that's it."
No romantic declaration of undying love and no tears.
And that's when it hit me. It wasn't all the grand gestures that I linked so closely with arguments that mattered to me, it was the little things that I cared about, like the guy who bought me low-salt bacon for breakfast one Sunday morning because I had high blood pressure or the time a guy made me slow dance with him in the street one night under the stars, all the little things that had so much thought behind them, no expense, nothing grand...just thought...and absolutely, positively, 100% NO DRAMA.
You see...it can be done.
xoxo
I was about to stick up for my fellow female form and protest that we hate the drama just as much as you guys do but then something stopped me...flashing back into my head came the memory of an ex (we'll call him Tom*) showing up at my door looking tired and wounded after a very long train journey a week after he had stormed out of my flat in a hissy fit and then later text me to say it was over. Tom was sad and sorry and I was intially frosty but when I saw that he had arrived with no clothes or overnight things and was willing to sleep on the floor or get on a train straight back to where he had come from my resolve melted and because I still loved him we worked things out. We broke up a few months later and that's where it ended but the point is Tom made the grand gesture, he turned up at the door in the rain (yes, it was actually raining I didn't make that up for effect) and said he couldn't know that I was right there and that he hadn't tried to apologise and get back together.
Just like the movies and television we watch and the books we read Tom had made the big romantic gesture and I, being the girl that I am (slightly niave), was so blinded by it that I forgot about the drama that had come before it. The shouting, the accusations and the tears, oh, AND the accidental flooding of my bathroom, were all forgotten. Does the big romance really go hand in hand with drama?
It took Carrie moving half way around the world for Big to realise that she was 'The One' before he chased her to Paris and it took Noah building Allie's dream house in 'The Notebook' for them to end up back in each other's lives...and in that steamy sex scene! And it took Tom slamming out of my flat and me not ringing him begging him to take me back for him to realise he'd messed up. I'm not denying that it must have taken some serious balls for him to turn up at my door, particularly considering the savage friends I have, but should it really come down to...'You never realise what you've got until it's gone?"
After that I went through all of the romantic gestures I'd ever had the pleasure of being a part of and over half of them were follow up's to drama, arguments or false accusations, this wasn't the result I'd been hoping for, believe me, but have we become addicted to drama in our relationships because we hope the romance afterward will be good enough to make us forget about the disagreement that caused it?
Deciding to investigate further I turned to my friend Rachel* for answers, Rachel and Mark* have been together for years, gone through school and different universities and are still together (hats off to them!). Asking her about whether Mark makes a big romantic gesture after they've had a fight Rach said, "No, we just tend to shout at each other, stay away from each other for a couple of hours then we'll leave a note on the mirror saying sorry or make the other a cup of tea and that's it."
No romantic declaration of undying love and no tears.
And that's when it hit me. It wasn't all the grand gestures that I linked so closely with arguments that mattered to me, it was the little things that I cared about, like the guy who bought me low-salt bacon for breakfast one Sunday morning because I had high blood pressure or the time a guy made me slow dance with him in the street one night under the stars, all the little things that had so much thought behind them, no expense, nothing grand...just thought...and absolutely, positively, 100% NO DRAMA.
You see...it can be done.
xoxo
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