Monday 16 August 2010

The Five Date Rule.

Everyone has that moment when dating someone new, that moment when the kisses involve tongue and the hands are sliding south and threatening not to stay above clothing for much longer. My moment with MusicBoy* took place on a leather sofa that quite frankly wasn't comfortable and was sticking to my backside, feeling neither attractive on said sofa or particularly ready to experience sex on a leather sofa (both tacky and sweaty I would imagine!) I subtly pointed out that maybe we should go upstairs. But...that's where the delicious fumbling drew to a slow but satisfying close because, after all, it was only Date 3.

"You make a guy wait for five dates?!" Louisa, no-so-subtle and up-for-anything friend gaped at me across our shared double chocolate brownie dessert (because girl world rules state that if you share a dessert the calories don't count, FACT!). "Jesus, if you like him why are you torturing yourself?"
Watching Louisa lick her spoon with all the carefree seductiveness of Samantha Jones with a lollipop, I considered her very valid point but I had stuck by my five date rule since the age of 18, in my head five dates was the perfect amount of time to figure out whether I was ready to surrender to nakedness with a guy, why five dates I hear to cry? Well, here's why...

Date One (if gone well) should always end with a kiss, subtle, light but a definite "Id like to see you again" kiss. If date one doesn't end with a kiss then you can guarantee us girls are going home with our Marc Jacobs' clad tail between our legs wondering why you didnt kiss us.
Date Two should be just as casual but this time you learn more about each other and the Goodnight kiss lasts just a little bit longer than the previous one.
Date Three should see definite subtle hand holding, plenty of body contact and quiet conversations in public places with private jokes that no-one else in the room is in on except the two of you.
By Date Four we've definitely decided whether we want you to see us naked but we need to be sure that we're not giving it up to someone who's going to drop us like a hand-ball the moment the post-coital glow as worn off. Cue, plenty of over the clothes fumbling, slightly more passionate kissing and probably the suggestion of watching a film together (that won't end up being watched) with candles instead of lights and strictly no popcorn, sorry boys!
If you've made it to Date Five then ding-ding-ding you've done all of the above right and guess what...? We like you. But don't expect it to happen straight away, no no, for us girls sex is like prepping for a space mission...

There's legs and various other areas (ahem!) to be waxed, hair to wash, moisturiser to be applied (probably something fruity so that you remember the smell of us...sneaky!), the sexy underwear drawer is cracked open and we spend a massive amount of time agonising over whether red underwear says "I need to get laid tonight" or whether white underwear says "Sweet and innocent" or "wedding night". In the end 90% of the time we'll go for black, black screams sexy but not too sexy, most probably something lace and always, always matching.
Prepped and looking fabulous we spend most of the night with butterflies in our stomachs, eating very little and hoping you'll suggest candles when we get to your room because we all look better in candlelight. And afterwards, hopefully sleepy and satisfied we won't care about our fluffy hair and smudged eye make-up just about how we can now do that with you again and again and how all that waiting was worth it.

"But, you could have done all that without having to wait so long, it's just sex."
Louisa announced, starling the elderly couple at the table next to us and tossing the spoon into the now empty sundae glass. Wondering whether my five date rule was a little harsh I resolved to ask my other girlfriends how long they wait and the answers came back in these responses;
"Three dates"
"Whenever I feel like it"
"Eight dates"
"After four dinners"....and...the most common answer...
"Round about five dates"

Maybe my five date theory wasn't so crazy after all but, just for a moment, I considered Louisa, sexy, confident, independant and the last of my friends I ever imagined weeping into a tub of ice cream, surrounded by Maltesers and replaying the moment Big abandons Carrie at the wedding in the Sex and the City movie and decided to act like my friend for the evening and take a chance. Calling MusicBoy* after dinner I turned up at his door in nothing but a trench coat and a smile and...well, let's just leave it there.
But sadly, five months later (how, ironic!) MusicBoy* and I were no more, I didn't regret my five date rule only how much time I'd probably wasted worrying about it being the right amount of time so that I didn't appear outrageously frigid or a bit of a slut. It sounds cliche but when the time is right to sleep with someone new you know it, so next time I'll be doing less worrying and flying by the seat of my pants....literally?...who knows!

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